Less than 2 wks 2go
Apparently according to Christian religion Rainbows are a sign from God that he’ll not unleash anymore devestation on your life … I’m not a spritual person, I have an interest in explaining things through investigation, but there’s something nice about that thought. When I was told I had cancer I walked out of the hospital to a rainbow, on my return to work after surgery, I walked toward two rainbows.
So back to reality : I’m gonna keep a mole diary, because I have 2 moles around my leg scar and this week I have noticed a dark spot growing inside one of them, like the Melanoma is finding a new home almost maybe. I’m anxious about many things because I never been through anything like this, I’m scared not only for myself but for my parents too and how they deal with this, I don’t want to be in a situation where I can’t talk about it.
This dark splodge is not what I need coming up to my first 3 month checkup, but in some respects it might make things simple, it might signal that the Melanoma is on the attack, if it’s on the attack I know how to fight it, if it’s hiding waiting to ambush me then I’m not sure what to do. I can’t break down the (perfectly normal) assumptions that the surgery was the end of this whole thing, gah! I don’t need to be told “You’ll be ok”, because I know that already … duh!
No stage as of yet, which to be honest is heartbreaking, I can’t accept “it’s gone”, it cannot be that a tumor that deep “is gone”, if it really is gone and a barage of tests and second opinions say it’s gone then I will accept it, untill then I need the info and strength to fight.
I haven’t thought about the what the scans might show. The future is full of unknowns, even without cancer …. soooooo I have decided that for the next 2 weeks (until the apointment) I’m not gonna think about it as much and I’m gonna ready my life so I’m ok (in the worst case) to drop everything … again.
This means, thinking ahead on my work projects, keeping my part of the house tidy, making the most of where I am, preparing a list of extremly vital questions and formulating a plan to get seen by a University Hospital who’s staff are dealing with and have much expereince of Melanoma.
For the past couple of months I have been gathering as much info as I can to be pro-active and positive in dealing with this. When I was diagnosed and through treatments I didn’t have much information to inform me and It felt like I was going with the flow. The level at which I have been gathering info, talking with people already going through this has lead me in to many “what if” battles, and I certainly have been in a world of my own since new years, loosing much sleep which is having an impact on my life. It’s kind of like a tug of war, I have to keep my job but at the same time the nine to five under a certain level of uncertainty is draining my energy as much as the Melanoma is, what I really need is some clarity and certainty, the not knowing is worse than the cancer, it’s mental.
I have been having gut feelings, I know this isn’t over, and I can already see how groups of people can help me by not getting as close to this subject as I am. I guess in some respects it’s too early on in the story and I haven’t figured out how people are going to interact with the chapters. I’ve never felt so much fear, regret, anger, sadness, helplessness, hope, courage, purpose …. ever. I know that for these 2 months I have experinced how worrying about it can completly take over everything, so at least I know not to come back to this bottomless well of worry, or I I’ll know how to stop myself if I am.
How else can I live with this?
Lee, sorry to hear about your fight with the Celtic Curse. My wife barely survived a one several years ago. Much of both of our families has dealt with malignant melanoma. She and I both descend from 1600’s settlers in Virginia an North Carolina in the USA. We are mostly Scot/Welsh and English blooded. Redheads are common including our son. The climate towards the coast is quite warm and skin cancer is a real problem here.
I was a little surprised to read about you at bbc.co.uk because I though the problem was mainly in the warmer parts of the USA. When I was young the George Hamilton perfect tan was an ideal. For us Celtic types we were playing with death without knowing it. A red headed brother of mine is still hanging out in the sun constantly in very hot Texas. His skin is so freckled you could never spot a malignant melanoma on him. I guess it is just a matter of time for him.
Good luck to you and our other distant cousins back in Europe.
btw, one version of 1600’s history I have heard originally had the rich English using Celt slaves in Virginia. They had an abundance of Celts from clearing out lowland Scotland in one of the religious wars. The Celts rarely lived more than 3 years working in the bright sun so they looked to Africa for slaves that could survive in the warm climate.
Hi Lee, I am secretery of our local support group. You’ll find out a bit about us at icaurus. Have no time to chat just now - running to a meeting on skin cancer!
Do read about me, I should have been dead years ago instead I now have had 22 clear years
Keep yer chin up
Leigh (female!)